Pride and Shame
Pride and shame. Many of the bad things I follow, I cling to, I offer to others are connected with these two powerful things.
All the mistakes I have made come from them.
They are not states of being.
They are not emotions, to me at least.
They are flashes – like little outbursts of rage. They hit and then they are gone.
Asking questions and prayer seem to help me deal with my pride and shame.
If the question is an honest one, even if it is sort of stupid – it moderates the passion that leads my pride to swell up and overcome, not me but an innocent bystander.
See, I’m tough, if it were just me I’d smile at pride like I smile at the Devil.
But when pride leads me to vicious activity – it usually leads me to gloat after winning an argument. It leads me to drop a piece of knowledge on someone like a rock. You can’t teach anyone with a rock, you can only injure them.
Writing a post like this helps me overcome my shame. I’m sure I run the risk of sounding…uh, not level-headed - - - especially when I talk this way. I don’t blame readers that mistake it for bad free-form whatever…
I don’t think it is that.
But I am not too proud of me or my reputation to write shit like this.
Saying that I have behaved badly towards some because of pride (or whatever, if I in fact misunderstand my own vices) also suggests that I can do better. I am not so ashamed of myself as to think that I would rather hide. I don’t want to say I am a hopeless fucker who deserves to be alone…who has fooled all their friends and family…who should be apart from others – his only company, the dark things he can imagine.
That used to be me.
But now I know that pride and shame are temporary conditions. My soul does not consist of pride and shame. They invade, or something inside mixes with something outside and they flare up.
So here is a line of questioning that helps me deal with temporary glitches in the system that is me:
If you have hurt someone, and circumstances are such that they can no longer hear you say - I’m sorry – can you be forgiven?
Since most of the readers here do not share my faith, which teaches of the power of reconciliation, we’ll keep that sacrament outside the parameters of this brief discussion.
Is I’M SORRY only useful as a function of social interaction, does it fulfill some inner need only – or is it both? If it is both must you have both external affirmation of forgiveness, and internal acceptance of forgiveness? Can you just have one? (and it is fair to assume that the only one you can have that will do any good is the internal forgiveness only, when the other party is in a position where they are unable to hear what you say – dead or something like that, or absolutely unwilling no matter what – It’s reasonable to assume that the person who can not forgive themselves will never have enough peace or whatever to be mistake for being happy, adjusted or whatever)
Not much more to say about these things. I’ll post this shit tomorrow.
All the mistakes I have made come from them.
They are not states of being.
They are not emotions, to me at least.
They are flashes – like little outbursts of rage. They hit and then they are gone.
Asking questions and prayer seem to help me deal with my pride and shame.
If the question is an honest one, even if it is sort of stupid – it moderates the passion that leads my pride to swell up and overcome, not me but an innocent bystander.
See, I’m tough, if it were just me I’d smile at pride like I smile at the Devil.
But when pride leads me to vicious activity – it usually leads me to gloat after winning an argument. It leads me to drop a piece of knowledge on someone like a rock. You can’t teach anyone with a rock, you can only injure them.
Writing a post like this helps me overcome my shame. I’m sure I run the risk of sounding…uh, not level-headed - - - especially when I talk this way. I don’t blame readers that mistake it for bad free-form whatever…
I don’t think it is that.
But I am not too proud of me or my reputation to write shit like this.
Saying that I have behaved badly towards some because of pride (or whatever, if I in fact misunderstand my own vices) also suggests that I can do better. I am not so ashamed of myself as to think that I would rather hide. I don’t want to say I am a hopeless fucker who deserves to be alone…who has fooled all their friends and family…who should be apart from others – his only company, the dark things he can imagine.
That used to be me.
But now I know that pride and shame are temporary conditions. My soul does not consist of pride and shame. They invade, or something inside mixes with something outside and they flare up.
So here is a line of questioning that helps me deal with temporary glitches in the system that is me:
If you have hurt someone, and circumstances are such that they can no longer hear you say - I’m sorry – can you be forgiven?
Since most of the readers here do not share my faith, which teaches of the power of reconciliation, we’ll keep that sacrament outside the parameters of this brief discussion.
Is I’M SORRY only useful as a function of social interaction, does it fulfill some inner need only – or is it both? If it is both must you have both external affirmation of forgiveness, and internal acceptance of forgiveness? Can you just have one? (and it is fair to assume that the only one you can have that will do any good is the internal forgiveness only, when the other party is in a position where they are unable to hear what you say – dead or something like that, or absolutely unwilling no matter what – It’s reasonable to assume that the person who can not forgive themselves will never have enough peace or whatever to be mistake for being happy, adjusted or whatever)
Not much more to say about these things. I’ll post this shit tomorrow.
posted by edP | 6:24 AM
3 Comments:
I don't know the answer to that. It probably depends on the person.
Your questions remind me of the Amish people. They are having benefits and bake sales - not only for the girls who are still in the hospital, but for the widow and children of the gunman.
I would like to think that coming to grips with your past mistakes, and putting yourself in a position not to make them again is meaningful. Once you have done that and can move on, sometimes that's all you are going to have.
Everybody fucks up. I hate those types that say they wouldn't change a thing in their lives or done anything different or have lived life without any regret. Anyways, I liked the post.
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