A Milwaukee Tarantula
...in King Arthur's pants?
Kim, Alex and I headed north and purchased a fun filled weekend get-away-deal at the Milwaukee Hilton. What was the combo special that attracted us? It wasn’t the Paris Hilton Room Service Extravaganza, that shit’s got some shit on it. We opted for the Weekend Water Park/St. Peter & the Vatican Exhibit, or as I like to call it: The Holy Water Park Package. Alex did everything that could be done at the water park (not that you sick fucks, didn’t you hear it was the holy water park package???) and I love watching that kid playing on water slides, pool basketball, you name it we dunked it.
The Legacy of the Popes exhibit was at the Milwaukee Public Museum (I’m pretty sure that’s what it was called; we were in public anyway which is always dangerous with me). Alex was mostly interested in the popes that fought wars, the conversion of Constantine, merging his standard with the flaming cross image, Pope Gregory I (I think) repelling the occasional Hun attack. Alex was incredible, such a good boy for his mom who was really excited to see the stuff on tour. Me, I gave the boy my own version of papal history as we looked at each painting:
“Alex, this was Pope Leo, he was actually a Virgo. This was Pope Urban. Of all the popes, his street cred was the greatest. Pope Innocent? Not so much. That’s how we got Pope Innocent II. Oh and look son, there was a Pope Alexander.”
Alex: “I want to be a recycling man.”
So much for my plan to retire on indulgences handed out by the boy.
While we were waiting for the Vatican exhibit to open, we decided to see what the Milwaukee Public Museum had to offer in the realm of science and nature. After seeing many a dinosaur skeleton and wondering how big their poop might have been, we ended up in the bug room. In one of my finest father and son bonding experiences we spent 15 minutes or so taunting a tarantula. Hey, if there was a ‘Please Do NOT Taunt the Tarantula’ sign, it would’ve been a completely different story. The Milwaukee Public Museum fucked up, not me. The following is pretty close to accurate.
Alex to tarantula: “Na, Na Boo Boo, you can’t get us.”
Me: “Be careful son, this might be one of them quick talking arachnids, a Quentin Tarantula-arantino .”
Kim: *audible groan*
Me: “Ok kid we better go, the dead popes are waiting. See you in hell tarantula!”
Alex: “Yeah, see you in hell tarantula.”
Kim, making the sign of the cross: “already it starts?…before we go to see the St. Peter exhibit?!?”
Thinking quickly, I began parenting…
Me: “No son, Daddy made a mistake. We shouldn’t just go around cursing and saying hell for no reason. Just saying hell isn’t so bad, but cursing and being obnoxious can lead us down a road that is bad. If Daddy keeps saying things like hell and disregarding important rules he could go to hell and I don’t want to go to hell, there are tarantulas there. And then I’d actually see the tarantulas there…in hell, without the safety glass. This whole thing is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Alex: “Can we have McDonalds after the Vatican?”
Me: “Yes we can son. Yes we can.”
Kim, Alex and I headed north and purchased a fun filled weekend get-away-deal at the Milwaukee Hilton. What was the combo special that attracted us? It wasn’t the Paris Hilton Room Service Extravaganza, that shit’s got some shit on it. We opted for the Weekend Water Park/St. Peter & the Vatican Exhibit, or as I like to call it: The Holy Water Park Package. Alex did everything that could be done at the water park (not that you sick fucks, didn’t you hear it was the holy water park package???) and I love watching that kid playing on water slides, pool basketball, you name it we dunked it.
The Legacy of the Popes exhibit was at the Milwaukee Public Museum (I’m pretty sure that’s what it was called; we were in public anyway which is always dangerous with me). Alex was mostly interested in the popes that fought wars, the conversion of Constantine, merging his standard with the flaming cross image, Pope Gregory I (I think) repelling the occasional Hun attack. Alex was incredible, such a good boy for his mom who was really excited to see the stuff on tour. Me, I gave the boy my own version of papal history as we looked at each painting:
“Alex, this was Pope Leo, he was actually a Virgo. This was Pope Urban. Of all the popes, his street cred was the greatest. Pope Innocent? Not so much. That’s how we got Pope Innocent II. Oh and look son, there was a Pope Alexander.”
Alex: “I want to be a recycling man.”
So much for my plan to retire on indulgences handed out by the boy.
While we were waiting for the Vatican exhibit to open, we decided to see what the Milwaukee Public Museum had to offer in the realm of science and nature. After seeing many a dinosaur skeleton and wondering how big their poop might have been, we ended up in the bug room. In one of my finest father and son bonding experiences we spent 15 minutes or so taunting a tarantula. Hey, if there was a ‘Please Do NOT Taunt the Tarantula’ sign, it would’ve been a completely different story. The Milwaukee Public Museum fucked up, not me. The following is pretty close to accurate.
Alex to tarantula: “Na, Na Boo Boo, you can’t get us.”
Me: “Be careful son, this might be one of them quick talking arachnids, a Quentin Tarantula-arantino .”
Kim: *audible groan*
Me: “Ok kid we better go, the dead popes are waiting. See you in hell tarantula!”
Alex: “Yeah, see you in hell tarantula.”
Kim, making the sign of the cross: “already it starts?…before we go to see the St. Peter exhibit?!?”
Thinking quickly, I began parenting…
Me: “No son, Daddy made a mistake. We shouldn’t just go around cursing and saying hell for no reason. Just saying hell isn’t so bad, but cursing and being obnoxious can lead us down a road that is bad. If Daddy keeps saying things like hell and disregarding important rules he could go to hell and I don’t want to go to hell, there are tarantulas there. And then I’d actually see the tarantulas there…in hell, without the safety glass. This whole thing is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Alex: “Can we have McDonalds after the Vatican?”
Me: “Yes we can son. Yes we can.”
posted by edP | 8:47 PM
24 Comments:
KJ is a saint.
Making a Pope Museum entertaining to a 5 year old is no easy feat. Did this place have a special wing for the anti-popes?
If you get the popes and anti-popes too close together - BLOOOEY!!!!!
And olekobe, at least we had the tarantula as comic relief. I just said to Alex, "Lookit that hairy little joker."
Tarantulas is so stupid.
All tarantulas go to heaven.
Get behind me Satan!
Yikes! I was hoping it was the Old Dog behind me.
We were up there last weekend for the water and the Brew Crew. Hey Chicken Little, still worried about those mean ol' Angels from Los Anaheim? C'mon, live a little.
S.O.S.: Yeah - I was so glad to be wrong about this weekend. When the SOX lost Game One of the ALCS last year (and knowing what I knew about how the SOX used to play on the West Coast) I was afraid. I've got to remember to forget what I "knew" - it's not worth a damn compared to what this franchise has become. Unbelievable! That's why it's so hard to believe.
If J.R.'s new management staff somehow brings a championship to the Bulls in the next five years - I will stand on the tallest mountain and say he is the greatest owner in Chicago sports history, period. I love what Skiles and Pax have done with this team, they are a combination of Ozzie/Kenny and Scot Pioli(sp?) and Bill Belichek(sp?).
new CoP album title:
"See you in Hell Tarantula."
Not bad Mr. Tom. Why couldn't the Bears have hired you to conduct the draft over the weekend. They drafted guys with even less NFL upside than Devin.
Outside of Crusty Faker, this is probably the greatest collection of coaches the city has ever seen---Smith, Guillen, Skiles. I love how Crusty threw himself under the bus for big Z. Hey asshole, Zambrano is missing his spots and making dumb mistakes holding runners on, plain and simple. Your job is make sure your guys execute the game plan, not play shrink. Go Reds, go Sox. My two favorite teams are in first place, I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts (the Reds will fade).
I wish I could parent on my feet like that!
And, oy, that Bears draft. Guess they're planning on keeping the defense on the field even longer.
RE:The Bears draft. I hope they are planning on making a few trades. I don't get paid to analyze these things but so far it don't look good.
Ed, this post started a small conversation about what constitutes a sin as far as cursing goes in the Catholic church. I was told that any time you say godammit that's bad because you are invoking the lord's name for a less than noble purpose and therefor using it in vain. Using it in vain would also be to just say "Oh, God" when you have to take the garbage out. Most other cuss words were not a sin but societal standards and proper decorum prohibited there use. Saying "Fuck!" or "Go to hell!" in front of grandma was a sin cuz that would be disobeying a parental figure. If I said that stuff in front of my buddies, it's OK. Other people were taught more strict rules and others less strict rules all in Catholic church.
Anyway, you are still a good Catholic and I wondered how it was that you understood it to work. I truly think that variance in faith within the same church as well as other beliefs is interesting. I am not trying to bait you or anything.
MichaelK I was just trying to make with the funny. Actually re your message the other day, this post was sort of dedicated to you. Most of this stuff happened, I tried to assemble it in a way that was funny.
Rock on all.
I'm sorry, Ed. I was trying to start a new conversation on your blog. I should get my shit together and start it on my blog. I really am sorry, Ed.
I think that the boy taunting the spider is good news. It sounds like he is a strong little man. If he taunted one of the popes, that would be extra cool to me. "Suck this Pontif!" And that's why I am gonna burn.
Also, just plain thanks for the funny. I need it. You're a good man that I like to pass jokes with.
... we interrupt this comment string to blather on for a moment or two ...
To re-iterate what the old dog said... "KJ is a saint."
And that Alex? Saying "Na na boo boo" to the spiders? Oh, man... That is one brave individual. Dem Tarantulas are fierce muthas... I heard a story about one that shot another spider just for snoring!
It must have been a museum kinda weekend. We took lilbear to the Field Museum to see Sue (and the other ol' bones) because he's enamoured with the dinos. At one point he turned around to see a replica of Sue's head a bit too close to him, and he almost lost his eyes they popped out so big. I've never seen a kid do reverse so quickly.
Oh... and we didn't have a waterpark on our excursion, but it was raining pretty hard when we left, does that count?
... we now return you to your regularly scheduled comments, still in progress ...
Sounds like you guys had a fun trip with Michael. That rules. We need to get those kids together.
I hate spiders.
Small world Ed. Nice little site too. I am the Grant Miller you seek, assuming you are the Ed from the Ambersons etc. I just started "blogging" in earnest a couple months ago. Hasn't quite took the world by storm just yet, but you wait. I will link to your site, if you don't mind. The Company Bitch is a rather funny site. Occassionally it gets a little "Sex in the City" for my tastes, but hey, the writing is pretty good for Blogdom. Talk to you soon.
This is THE Grant Miller people. Read and learn.
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