The U

Not that The U. John U is solidifying everything for the bigDrag/OKB In the Can release Food Drive/Rock showammunga. The date is March 12 and that means there should be plenty of time for me to firm everything up on my end….

…with the exception of my sorry and sagging ass.

The box itself, cover and two CD s are done. I still need to finish designing and pass off the disc sticker to the old dog. What do you want for my sorry attempt at being DK’s answer to Bob Gelding??? Printing on the actual CD? Well it’s not going to happen, not for this show anyway.

I think there’s even enough time to dress up the DC Liar like Baron DeKalb. For an extra $5 donation, show goers can get a kiss from DeKlab’s Patriarch. That couldn’t possibly lead to trouble.

No matter how we promote the show, no YouTube add campaign well ever be as fun as this one...

When to Listen

Successful night in Elgin (or as successful as things can get in Elgin)

Sorry Elginians.

We got off to a rocky start. Something sounded like it was blown on my amp. Gots to get to the amp doctor. I used one of Larry’s infernal machines and got a decent sound out of it, with the help of Ye Olde Dogge. By the 2nd take we’d amassed an impressive potpourri of mistakes leading to the following verbal exchange…

Me: “Godammit! There were more clams in that version than there are in PJ Harvey’s underpants!”
ChrisB: “Dude, there’s only one clam in there.”
OD: “I think he means crabs.”
Dev: “He certainly does.”

It was at that point that Larry’s intern regretted the decision to forsake his actuary studies for the sake of pursuing a career in the rock and or roll industry.

Then we decided, as a band, that the best way to fuck with future historians is to fill and bury a hilariously inaccurate time capsule chronicling (or putting the “chronic“ in chronicling) the status quo in DeKalb at the beginning of the 21st Century.

Appropriately named Time in a Butthole, its contents include, but are not limited to…

8gig thumb drive
Monkey paw
Woodcarving of the Old Dog bashing my brains in with a rock
A rock with blood on it
Gift card for the Pottery Barn


In spite and probably because of the nonsense we nailed the complete drum track for Harvest Here by Take 5. Then Dev Joe and I redid our parts with Chris playing in our cans.

NOT THAT YOU SICK BASTARDS!!!

Well, a little of that. We're not going to leave our wives behind for the evening without some assplay. Is assplay one word? Jeanz??? Dennis Reynolds? Anybody?

Joe and I were done by the 2nd round of od’s take 2 or 3 (I forget)…and we let Devin go nuts and finish everything off.

Dev took a copy to work on one more thing for a part in the middle of the song. ChrisB took the individual tracks on his thumb drive (not the one we are burying) to play around with using his home studio. Joe and I took boring old Cds. We are so unhip. We should’ve downloaded everything as project files to our phones, then e-mailed the song to our work machines set to play when we got to our desks the following morning @ 7am.

Shut up ed

We are balls deep into making Kish and haven’t broken a sweat. I have never made a record like this. It is so free and easy (for $60 a session)…well fucking worth it since I have miked nary a rack tom, nor used band money to pay someone’s car insurance or dealt with one minute of boring drama fucking drama…or had to hear what a drag the studio was and wake me when we play an interesting gig.

The biggest change is that we have not played these songs a hundred times over five years and who knows how many shows. We have a rough idea of what we’re shooting for and no expectations. Most importantly I think we know how to trust each other…how to make suggestions to each other and when to listen.

US Senator

Blago wanted to appoint Oprah to the United States Senate??? I’d be in favor of it, so long as she agreed to contribute a coupla billdo to the economic stimulus package. I can just see the heads of the automobile industry coming before the Congress again (and they will come) and Senator Harpo gets up and says, “Look under your chairs auto executives! There’s a billion for you - and for you - but not you Chrysler, you suck.”

Gitmo Then Get to Basketball

Alex and Cookie are building some new prisions following President Obama's decision to close Gitmo (just wait till Nathan Jessup hears about this - "You've fucked with the wrong Marine!!!!)

Here are the two patriots hard at work.




Then Alex played hoops to relax. Fun day for us and an important day for America.

Last National Bank and Bust

Are financial luminaries being serious when they suggest that the best solution to our nation's financial woes is to form one really bad bank?

What is the goal here? We already have a lot of shitty banks. Is the Federal govt trying to prove that they can create a shittier bank than any in the private sector? Are they trying to create a bank so shitty that all the other banks will look shitty by comparison? More importantly, will Wolie-witless try hooking up with employees at this fiduciary crapshack the way he did at the World Bank?

ewwww...

Well if all that is left are absurdest answers to this fiscal chaos let me nominate myself to be the first president of Last National Bank and Bust.

I've even got a slogan: "Throwing good money after bad since 2009."

And when it comes to managing toxic assets, I'm your guy. Hell if I wash down some Home Run Inn pizza with a coupla cans of Old Style, my wife is on the phone with the lawyer, half-way to divorce court.

Maybe a better slogan would be: "Putting the douche in fiduciary since...well, since there's nothing left to invest."

And that's the way I see it America.

If there's anybody out on the intertubes who thinks this is all too serious for mild to moderately funny jokes and think this crisis should be met with sobriety and resolve I say it's just big piles of money that never existed in the first fucking place. Me, I'd rather listen to this song by Talk Talk

Or if you're too snooty for all that get yourself some Bix Beiderbecke and get offa my beiderback.

That Hit the Spaten

Good day today. Sent a message to Mr. U about a possible food drive show by the end of Feb. We will see what materializes. When the show happens I will have In the Can packaging done and ready to go. I worked on that crap today and have something I really like - - and I didn't have to bug Mr. DC Liar to do it. I am going to need his talents with the Kish artwork, packaging etc...

Alex had his first basketball practice tonight and it is going to be a fun season.

Rock practice right after hoops and I think we are ready to record Harvest Here. Poor OD was under the weather. I went to the Annex for a celebratory bottle of Spaten. I wasn't celebrating the sickness of the Old Dog.

Just happy, I guess

Inaugural Oath (A Slight Return)

If Chief Justice Roberts really wanted to fuck with our newly minted president, right at the end of administering the oath of office he should’ve added:

“I promise not to repeat things other people say….so help me God.”

I made the former witty observation to a coworker and they said, “Dude, that’s an old Steve Martin joke. Get some new, and/or original material…or maybe just shut up and do your fucking job.”

Do my job?

Old Steve Martin joke???

WELL RECUSE ME!!!!!!!

No New Post Here

I waved a few fair-thee-well hankies to one of my favorite sports-radio hosts on the other blog. Go there if you dare

Once Again Kim & Alex Rule

The birthday greetings from friends on the intertubes has been swell. My lady has also showered me with much birthday love this week.

NOT THAT YOU SICK BASTARDS!

...well, maybe a little of that.

But Saturday, KJ topped everything. She made my favorite meal including my favorite treat for afters...

Afters?!?! What am I, the guy from Soap Opera?

She threw a little dinner yesterday for me, just my P's and her folks and it was one of the best Saturdays I had in a long time. I normally bitch about sitting around a table for too long but Kim made everything just right...as she always does for me.

The only disagreeable tones the whole day came from Cookie and my mother-in-law's dog. Cookie can be such a catty bitch when there is another dog on her turf. Other than that, it was an unqualified success.

Thanks and much love to Kim and Alex for throwing daddy a nice party. I love you guys.

Out the Park

Devin knocked the remaining Francesca guitar parts out of the park last night and I am pretty fucking happy. The first song for Kish (a song Robbie wrote and we played a thousand years ago, when I was deciding whether or not to go back to the Kishwaukee Valley) is done. It is a land-speed recording record for us as a band.

???

Four to six hours of recording and mixing time and Francesca is in the can…

Not to be confused with in the can…

I don’t know if she likes it like that.

Sorry kitties.

Yeah, did I mention that I think Francesca was actually written about Robbie’s ex-girlfriend’s cat? Frankie. I think the idea was Robbie’d miss the girlfriend when she eventually split but it was probably the cat he would miss the most.

If I remember correctly, the “shape collection” is a reference to how Robbie and this girl were so poor at the time the only toys the cat had were empty toilet paper rolls, Kleenex boxes and other “shapey” things it pulled from the garbage bathroom.

It is a beautiful song and I hope I didn’t ruin it by saying this other shit.

Here’s a sneak preview for the interested

Foot of Pride

It’s been three weeks since I removed the drinkin’ muzzle and the experiment has been mild to moderately interesting. Maybe it is not that I become cruel or harsh after a certain amount of booze (esp of the hard variety) but when my inhibitions or pretenses are removed, any and all sense of humility leaves me.

The Solstice was a blast and much love to Paulio for asking me to play. I accomplished all the lyrical goals I set for myself…sticking it to the man Boss O’Brien for subjecting us all to his jackbooted thuggery, reminding Josh W. that he sells German batteries for someone who doesn’t exist, making fun of Karl for being so poor he has to clean the toe jam bin, getting the whole crowd to sing “Oh Cookie YOU – GOT WHAT I NEED!”…I even got to sing an MA number w/ Bill Garver. But there was a certain point after the last set I played where “everybody sucks except me” was seeping out of every orifice in my body (even the hairy ones).

What does this mean?

It means I am doing the right thing drinking and still going to Mass the next morning, and this has nothing to do with Catholic guilt or any bullshit Madonna tv-Catholicism. The lesson for me every week is I live in a world that was not made for me, my silly mind and as an expression of all I create. If there is anything worthwhile in what I make, what I think, etc…it is a reflection of the good, bad an ugly around me. All other stuff that comes out of my brain and thinks itself to be the alpha and omega is really, in the end self-parody or worse…maybe even “tartuffery” (FN references the Moliere character and uses that as a word in German…it remains spelled “tartuffery” in all translations of BGE that I have come across)

Tartuffery indeed.

The misuse of tartuffery above is somewhat intentional and more on this later. I’m tired after giving guitar lessons and need to eat my lady’s delicious, barbecue chicken thighs.

NOT THAT YOU SICK BASTARDS!!!!

…well, maybe a little of that.

It isn’t piety, fake or otherwise that brings me to Mass each week (I hope). It is necessity. There are certain things I understand about myself and one of those things is: I am one of the most proud and vain motherfuckers you’ll ever meet. I am fortunate to have priests in my life that do not drone on about the wages of sin but instead remind me of the truly glorious thing in Christ’s example, the beautiful and very human need to humble one’s heart and accept the real gifts of this life…

Grace and love.

Amen.

Peasant Platter

Thanks and much love to the family Swaff for taking the boy and giving us the gift certificate for the Hillside. Kim and I had a swell time. I had the peasant platter and somehow felt it was too good for me.

Kim and I made it an early evening, shared a piece of chocolate cake and finally got around to watching the first episode of the John Adams thing. Damn fine performance by the Sideways/American Splendor guy.

Miss the boy and am a little pissed that his dog weaseled its way into our bed later. Maybe I should be proud and own this thing. I can say I shared my bed with two beautiful ladies last night.

NOT THAT YOU SICK BASTARDS!

...ok, maybe a little of that.

Today is Attempt #2 at finishing the In the Can CD single covers....I will also be using the format T gave me for a special box thing for people who want to give $10 or more to the food drive gig.

I might talk to John about booking the show if I see him tonight at the Chili gig. Hopefully my accordion and I will not be pelted by those little, annoying fucking chili crackers. Who am I kidding, the Solstice crowd is always cool, it's me - I am the problem - I am the fucking man or something.

Old man.

Mr. Burris Goes to Washington?

Great rock practice last night. More work was done on Kish and getting ready for the next live thing…whenever that is.

Dev and OD came up with great parts for Harvest Here and I gots to ask Mr. B to e-mail the final version of the night to me.

Joe and I also worked on a song of a more political nature earlier in the day. Consider it our anthem of political support to a brave man, standing up to those who would keep him down…our Biko to the tune of Rawhide if you will.

Roland, Roland, Roland
Roland, Roland, Roland…

uh…

Roland, Roland, Roland - Roland!

Sit ‘em down kick ‘em out
Sit ‘em down kick ‘em out
Sit ‘em down kick ‘em out – Roland!

Kick ‘em out sit ‘em down
Kick ‘em out sit ‘em down
Kick ‘em out sit ‘em down – Roland!

ROLAND!!!







By the way, if I’m a member of the Illinois State Legislature the only question I’d ask the 70 year old former Comptroller, “Dude you’re 70 really? Really? Jeez, you look great.”

Bow Wow OW

Those who know me know I am hard on guitars, roommates and automobiles.

Guess it’s time to update that list and add Chihuahuas.

Cookie and I were playing fetch Monday and she tore her nail off as she ran to kill her favorite new squeaky toy.

Stupid Berber rug…at least it was stain proof because there was a lot of blood. Cooks only yipped for a sec then went right to cleaning the blood off her beautiful white and brown fur. The boy and I were amazed.

“Look at her clean herself,” said Alex.

“Yeah,” I said, “I think she’s been through this before.”

Tuesday I took the dog to the vet and everything checked out ok. Cooks loved all the attention, and loved the opportunity to menace other dogs - - including one of the local K-9 Squad, Titan.

Titan was a big-ass German shepherd at the end of a big-ass, Teutonic looking cop’s leash. Cookie put her mean face on and gave the police dog a nasty straight-outta-the-kennel, “Grrrrrrr!”

Great, just when I thought I was mature enough, and now square enough to not be nervous around police dogs...

Besides her aggressive nature against other dogs, esp police dogs, I had good reason to be nervous because Cookie and I were holding.

The Doc gave us some doggie pain and anti-inflammation meds. Since Cookalicious is just a shade under 8 pounds I showed the boy how to cut the tabs into quarters.

One for Cookie, one for daddy…

The boy learns all sorts of useful things from his old man.

The family pet, all bandaged up led Alex to say, “Doesn’t Cookie look tough? Just like Dick Butkis.”



BEARS!

er… CHIHUAHUAS!

Cowman Sense

When in the course of human events some douche bag in Washington finds it necessary to tax the ass smells of cows, somebody’s got to get on their high horse and raise a big stink.

And my fellow Americans, that somebody is me.

Today the EPA wants to tax the emissions of cows. What’s next? Pigs? Dogs that like to drink beer? Meat Loaf?

See where I am going with this? As we move up the food chain it is not too long before we get to me and then actual humans. It is time for a new Boston Angus Tea Party. Who the fuck is with me? I say at midnight tonight me and a coalition of the drinking should tip some cows, ass first into the mighty Kish.

That’ll show those damned British in Congress that we have the inalienable right to take in the sweet and warm odors wafting from farm fields across his great land of ours.

Just wait until I tell Willie Nelson about this shit. After he’s done reaming out those fat cats in Washington for bailing out the automobile industry by taxing the nation’s cow butts…he’s never gonna have to pay taxes again…

As if he ever did.

Sic Semper Cow Anus!

That's How Strong My Love Is

Beautiful day. Two homilies by Fr. Hart…the second was at Amanda’s baptism. I don’t know how many poor bastards the Old Dog had whacked while he stood as godfather but be that as it may, it was a joyous occasion …

…except for Fredo. Never go against the Old Dog Fredo, no matter how big your pants are (were).

Don’t forget the canola eh, or some shit like that.

Big love going out to my buddy John who enhanced my shopping experience this evening - -

Before going to Woodman’s I loaded some Otis Redding from his spindle of plus rock left at my place from New Years. For once the stiffs there were happy that my headphones (like my ass) let out a lot of sound.

If ya don’t love Otis yer gonna sleep with the fishes…in Lake Monona.

Poor Otis.

Saturday

Saturday is going to be busy busy busy. Blew off stuff a little too much last night playing video hockey and othe non-edP writing related crap. Maybe, just maybe I made the world a better place by not doing anything. I have to print out a small portion of the latest draft and read it with pages in one hand and pencil in the other, for that is the sort of dork I have become.

Going to visit my parents and some of their friends. Whoo hoo. Hopefully the boy and I will get back in time for some good football watching.

...and video hockey

One BS point I want to remember from yesterday...all the seemingly pointless guitar playing from yesterday and earlier in the week yeilded at least this - - next full band session for Kish, we can record Harvest Here (which we started @ last practice) and do a one chord bi-amp experiment. I think I know what is next and that is a good thing.

More On the Job

We were short staffed and we had to put poor KS on the Charlie work detail. I felt sorry for the lad but that certainly didn't stop me from saying...

"Dammit Karl, we've got another urinal fire!"

"Schuster, the ear wax bin ain't gonna empty itself. And while you're at it don't forget about the toe-jam vat that's a'tippin'"

"When you're done with that shit, go down to the basement and beat the live rats to death with dead ones."

I do believe Mr. S hath earned his 16 Oz cans of Pyle today.

In Vino Very Dumbass

Since I finished the latest round of rewrites for Matter of the Inquest I have allowed myself to drink again.

What have I discovered?

The truth about me is I can be so full of shit that I am about to explode at any moment.

As I review the stupid stuff I said under the influence of the wonderwater I am reminded that when I unleash my tongue and speak in an unrestrained way I do not seem to exhibit as much respect for women and the decent as I do when I am sober and guarded.

Scotch guarded?

Guarded from Scotch?

Anyway, I can start working on that for 2009.

Last night before I visited the mystic Scotchworld where Scotch is my king, I talked to someone about finishing a dissertation…

Not mine of course, mine can burn in hell. They got to keep the fires burning down there somehow, right?

But my friend intimated to me that with each step they take, they wonder if they are really producing a useful thing that is the sum of this period of study in their life or if they are a fraud…

This thought came back to me during my second round of Scotch and beer sweats @ Holy Mass this morning. There is always a point during Mass (the thing I do with my family each week that is most important to me) where I think ‘Am I a fraud? Oh yeah I am a fraud and all these people here are going to figure it out and they are going to know’

Right after those thoughts flashed through my skull I heard Fr. Hart say, “And so what we used to celebrate here was the circumcision of Christ. This is a very Earthy thing”

That snapped me back into place boy.

But I thought about the conversation last night and I think that thinking we are frauds when we do something can be a sign that that thing is important to us. We don’t want to be frauds. We want to be true to ourselves and true to the thing we are doing.

After Mass I got some hot dogs. The boy and I chilled and watched the Winter Classic. Stupid Red Wings.

Taking a break from digging through the awesome records my friend Johnny left here last night and checking out some Bartok (sp? Jeanz? Philip Glass? Anybody)…I am checking out this Bartok comp and it is pretty mighty, with intermittent wimpy piano throw in for some reason that is beyond my ability to conceptify.

Conceptify is a word I learned from Don King. If MJH still did the Dead Pool I’d throw the name Don King in there to see if he bites it in 2009.

And that is all the fuck I got for now.